‘Dear Daddy,...The growing need to disciple young men

      

          “Don't worry about being the perfect Dad, just need to be decent and true”

Thinking back he was more than just a meal ticket, more than just that man who paid my school fees, put cloths on my back and made sure I had a roof over my head.

So despite failing an impromptu task like telling a complete stranger about my Dad in five sentences, I am apt to admit that social science loses hands down here (Social science research constantly undermines the importance of the father-child relationship).

The importance of fathers can not be underestimated though most of us will readily agree that our relationships with our fathers consisted of fewer words and tended to be less complex than what we had with our mothers. Id describe mine as (a private storm) equally powerful because it consisted of more drama than most-the pent up anger, the mounting expectations ,the words that cut much to deep to mention a few. Mine operated with fewer words than most once I turned fifteen and therein laid our greatest undoing!

Most social ills prevalent in our present day continue to point to the sad reality that homes are constantly churning out men who are actually pre adult boys who lack self discipline. Often than not such individuals can often be described as men who lack moral compass, are uncaring about the world in which they live. They are often lacking in self esteem, know absolutely nothing about the word integrity, are usually unmotivated and painfully live for nothing more than their self gratification. Thus such individuals are often ill prepared for their responsibilities as family men and fathers.

There is a growing need for decent fathers, who will disciple their off springs in the right direction.

• ·       Fathers who will press home the point that, freedom comes from conquering the need to act on a whim of one's basic human (fleshly) pleasures.
• ·   Fathers who will take time out through their actions to show, that Self-discipline involves acting on how you think and not how you feel.
• ·    Fathers who will prove that living a life instilled with discipline is a much more efficient way to live life. The end result, being that life is often less chaotic and easier should you wisely choose to tow this path.
• ·     Fathers who will be the trailblazers (standard) for which young girls will go by while choosing their life partners. Listen, I bet no one wants his kid accepting a proposal just because”he is the opposite of daddy.”
• ·      Fathers who in the long run will teach their Sons that they can be more than just that man that  visits them on his off days, doles out money and runs off into another’s bosoms or plain ignores them.

A man who has chosen to be kind, God fearing, decent and honest in all ramifications will do just fine. A man who has sworn and works at being as sturdy as a firm rooftop above his family head in a world of raging storms (affects the lives around him and the world positively) is valued far more than all the diamonds and rubies the world has to offer.

Brothers, this is an urgent call not necessarily for perfect fathers but decent fathers who are consistent, engaging and present.

Your gist mate,

Shy

Embracing our higher selves

                                        Embracing our higher selves

      ‘’ A happy existence is absolutely impossible for anyone whose thoughts are often negative ...’’

 Nobody ever associates me with weakness; I guess this is because I have spent my life time being strong for others. Wanting to be dependable, trustworthy and sensible at all times, comes at a very high price and in my experience it is wearing a facade as think as a dark cloud even when in truth you just want to break down, pull a tantrum and cry! But then you remember you are ‘’you’’ and should you allow your inner feelings prevail, who would even believe it’s that bad? So you resign to fate, give your emotions a sound kick and suck it in.

Have you ever experienced the woes of the chatter box?

She is that unending voice in your head that creeps up on you when you are most vulnerable, nags you to distraction and spoils your entire day with thoughts you wish you never had.

She steals your smile, takes your confidence away. Worse still, she follows you everywhere you go, driving you nuts with her talks that initiates actions cumbered by fear, doubt and anxiety.

Do you know why I call her the chatter box?

It’s because she chatters non stop.

Don't ask me why I think she is a girl, maybe if you have ever experienced the woes of the chatter box, she might be male to you. In my experience she is a girl and she never seems to shut up, no matter how much I try.

She magnifies my mistakes and sounds some what like this when she starts: ‘’oh why did speak up in the first place, did you think anyone would care about your opinions?

 ‘’you're not good enough, don't you ever forget that!’’

 Or

Worse still:”...Awww...shut up, who asked for your opinion?”

Suddenly everybody become the chatter box including you because you reiterate what she says even if you hurt your self in the process! You begin to believe her cause you accept her a way of life.

Listen there is a way out...honestly I’ve got your back on this because I have lived it and as I share this I believe I'm helping my self embrace positivity more. So as Africans say-if I scratch your back, you scratch mine too and we'd both live a better life.

·        Realize she exist:

One reason, you've never learnt to shut her up is because you might not realize she exist, let alone speak. Be more sensitive to your inner thoughts that way, you'd be ready when she creeps up on you.

·        Keep your mind occupied:

It is true that an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Only this time the devil has turned your mind on self destruct mode. Fill your time with interesting activities and thoughts that make you happy. Pick up a new hobby, write, read a novel, watch a film and if you're like me discover Jesus Christ! Fill your heart with prayer, praise and worship.

·        Shhh...watch your words:

Your words are a reflection of your inner thoughts and believe it or not when you speak that word that negates positivity, you actually breathe life into a chain of negativity which hangs like a cloud around you.

Ordinarily life on its own is tough but when you speak negatively terrible situations just seem worse. Instead learn to take charge of your mind-set.

Admit, “it might not be a satisfactory but I ‘am making progress’’.

Admit,”It’s been a rough day but tomorrow will be much better”

Admit, “I might feel sick but it’s a brand new beautiful day and I ‘am going to enjoy it.’’

Listen Brother, refuse what your eyes see, speak positivity, relax and let go.

·        Never give up:

     Now I wish the fruits of this journey were instantaneous but nothing in life is, except it comes in a plastic sealed pack, ready for delivery.

This should discourage you though because being self-judgmental and lacking in endurance can only mean one thing,” you are not watching the words you tell your inner self. The chatterbox is still in control but there is good news.

Nobody gets it the first time! We all walk, fall, rise, dust ourselves and start again. We never would have walked at all, if our parent barred us from trying just because we fell and hurt ourselves while learning to walk.

So there it’s the same process.

·        Watch the company you keep:

Friends who speak negatively wouldn’t do you any good! Our minds are more fragile than we care to admit but it is my submission that nature usually takes its course in such situations because in most cases, negative company often seem to gradually drift away from individuals who possess a positive outlook to life but it will do well to take conscious note of those pessimist lurking around you.

Always bear in mind,

                           “...what you believe will be done for you...”

                                                                               Matthew 8:13

''DEFINING FAITH''

''DEFINING FAITH''

Once asked to define the term ''Faith'' most Christians would be quick to reiterate '' Oh that? it is the believe in that, which we physically can't see but believe will occur.''

Frankly, I do not see any fault in defining it so,I only wish to share with you in more clearer terms what life's experiences has taught me  on the subject of faith.

My experiences has taught me, that there can be no talk of ''FAITH'' without the ''AUDACITY OF HOPE''.
There can be no talk of ''FAITH'' without the ''EXERCISE OF ENDURANCE'' and most importantly life's occurrences has stressed the importance of ''PATIENCE''.
                                                             
FOR FAITH TURNED INSIDE OUT IS PATIENCE.''

Good Morning!

                                                              JUST SAYING  ...

I ‘am a bit pissed with films like the butler and 12 years a slave...seem like we  focus too much on slavery like other races weren't faced with such, at some point in history.

 It would have been nice to watch films on great men like Alexandre Sergeivich Pushkin, Adolph Bardin and Angelo Soliman (Men who were brought to the west as slaves but later conquered their times with their contributions) or better still founding fathers like Kwame Nkruma of Ghana  or best the great Kandake’s of Ethiopia, Queen Idia of Edo kingdom and Queen Amina of Zouza , great kings like Jaja of Opbobo and Ovarame No’gbasi  Omo no Oba no Kpolo- Kpolo (after all there is proof that Africans had  and still has an oligarchy in place!

...and if royalty fails to hold interest then there is the Ekumeku of Anioma, men who were adept at guerrilla warfare in a time you wont have called modern.

No, Holly wood keeps focusing on slavery... slavery.... slavery!

I am not saying I don’t enjoy these films but there was a story before slavery and there are uplifting stories after slavery.  

                                                 HEY !  LETS TALK ABOUT IT (1)

Here's a poem I came across while surfing the internet two days ago: thought I should share...

                                                   I Got Flowers Today
                                              (Dedicated to Battered Women) 

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn't Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn't hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn't go to work today because I didn't want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn't Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn't ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.

In pursuit of emotional happiness

                                                     In pursuit of emotional happiness

I live a long way from my dotting Mum but she never fails to call at least once a week. Not to interfere as others would be led to believe but to make sure I ‘am happy! She always ends her calls with one of our tribal proverbs -“favour never comes easily to those who cry often”.

Two years ago, on one of few visits home I asked her to elucidate on this proverb (well between I and my mom nowadays such conversations often elicits loads of stories, the bible, tribal stories and personal philosophies) and I got enriched with knowledge on how important it was to possess emotional happiness such that life becomes easier to cope with. In a nut shell being in this state attracts positivity such that it affects your universe.

 ”... Money, fame and education can’t bring you to this state I’ am trying to describe“continued Mum haven’t you noticed that those who achieve these material enrichment often than not pursue getting more? We city folks tease country folks because we feel we are materially richer than they are but I tell you a lot of us will pay through our noses to achieve their emotional state...how many of them die of high blood pressure and heart attacks the way we city folks do? ” and what if you involved with the best of men? I asked (lol) she answered with teasing eyes, “What form of love will you offer even the best of men when you don’t possess happiness within your heart?

Thinking back I concede this, a comparison of my life experiences in the west and in Nigeria, tells me enough not to argue. It is no wonder why the world’s simple people are able to smile effortlessly compared to their suave, educated and rich counterpart’s. Nowadays life has become such a complicated affair because we struggle with many pressures. Sometimes I personally wonder in the rut of it all how manage life became this complicated.

 Suddenly, there’s so much to do within a short time, so many expectations with little or no assistance to reach them and too many demands with too little resources (darn!) has it occurred to any one that being a child was much simpler. We only bothered about the bare necessities then-food, play and sleep (lol).

Well the first step to achieving emotional happiness is realizing that happiness is relative! So what makes another happy may not put you in the same state of constant internal euphoria. It is also not a result of the kind of people we hang out with or the places or events around us (even if we get some form of joy from this, it is often short lived so that in our enclosed spaces we suddenly experience a crushing bout of melancholy)

So this year, I have decided to implement some important steps in my quest to achieve placing my heart in the right place:

1.       Drop grievances and resentments.

I was particularly content with the fact that at the beginning of this year I was given an over due chance to address an issue that caused me so much grief for over six months. Fact was that I resented the fact that I wasn't told at the time the issue was fresh because I naturally would have confronted the tale-teller and its listeners but hey it’s all good I got a chance though belatedly to confront the issue and that’s- that. By addressing the issue at hand, I freed my self of other people expectations and judgments . Fact is that’s too much a burden to carry along with one self through life. Besides the perpetrator doesn't seem to know how much harm he caused.

When an individual holds on to grievances, he or she constantly re-enacts the past and never fully gets a chance to enjoy the present.

So people let go!

2.       Live in a state of appreciation.

Be grateful for life. Other’s slept through the night and didn't see the break of dawn. Living in a state of appreciation changes one’s general out look to life.

Appreciate your looks(and if you don’t like your general appearance, we live in modern times there’s a lot we can do even if you cant afford plastic surgery), honor your norms and values, stick to what you know is your truth.

                The world accepts diversity now, so why loose your true self in others? I have never seen the need to blend into oneness with others because that will be pretense and I wouldn't feel good about my self and being me makes me feel unique.

3.       Sought for the best

My brother used to say to me, “when you day dream, make sure it scares you that way you’d know you re aiming for the very best!”

Translation: don’t be afraid to aim for what you really want! See your self achieving that feat. Will I be fair to say I scoff at individuals who actually avoid this because as they say- ‘I do not want to disappoint if it doesn't work out’. (WHAT!)

Every achievement starts with a dream and if plan A doesn't work out there’s always a plan B.

Which could be ;

·         Better than plan A

·         As good as plan A

·         Or be unknown to you a route to achieving plan A

 Accepting to live life by this philosophy has assisted on countless occasions to take stock of what’s working and accept imperfections (which might be a diamond in the rough, most times unknown to me).That way I ‘am able to take stock of good things when they occur even little ones.

4.       Enrich the lives of others you enrich your own

Those who take out time to enrich others (take volunteer work, for an example) through contributing to the humanity often feel fulfilled; this is because they often feel they are a part of something greater than just them.

5.       self contentment

Being self content relieves you from the internal pressure of measuring your self as against others and gives you to space to approach achievements at your pace. It is healthy to compare your achievements time again with those of acquaintances and friends but it becomes unhealthy when thought of this controls your every action. It even takes the fun out of what ever activity you re involved in.

It also indirectly eliminates the need to blame others for why you couldn't achieve a certain level of fulfillment whilst in reality; it is really you that is in charge. The power to get to where you want lies within you, so stop blaming others! Stop harboring resentment when the shutters are down.

•  Enjoy doing the things you love

I love to read, I love to write, I love to sing, I love to dance, I love to play rough and I do release the kid in me when I get the chance. Hell it even mattered to me that my life partner understood why I should jump on my bed and nod while dancing to Pink! Even if others feel I’m too old for that. Despite being so busy I try as much as I can to find time to do these things.

I revel in the simple things of life. The touch of the sunlight on my bare skin, the wind in my hair, silly jokes and treasured memories though some of them bring tears to my eyes and when it does and let loose and have a healthy cry. It’s all part of living.

I take time to self validate my self and take out time to give my self little treats-a bottle of wine, a cheap dinner at some local Chinese buffet or a makeover with my make up box at home.

To me life could be a party if you wish; it’s all up to you.

Integrity: [/ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/]

                           Integrity: [/ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/]

Synonyms:

Honest, Uprightness, Probity, Rectitude, Honour, Upstanding ,Good character, High moral principled ,Righteousness, Morality, Nobility, High-mindedness, Noble mindedness, Fairness, Scrupulousness, Sincerity, Truthfulness, Trustworthiness.

The antonyms of which are –

Betrayer, A cheat, Chicanery, Corrupt, Criminal, Deceitful, Fraudulent, Treachery, Trickster, Mendacity, Cunning, Crooked, A double dealer, Faithless, Fickle , Flimflam, False,  An infidel, guile, Insidious, Slyness, A racketeer, A sly person, Swindler, Perfidiousness, Hanky-panky (seem very British huh?)...and a whole lot of words including most recent ones like Sharp practice (commonly used in professional circles) and 419, if you know what I mean.

My favourite definition of integrity, defines the word thus:

“The state of being sound, unimpaired and in perfect condition”

I on the other hand translate this, to being an individual who strives to attain wholeness in entirety. This is because a person of integrity often possesses a certain solid-wholeness to his or her character so that there seem to be no dis-connect between their internal selves and what others see on the outside.

I’d draw on a comment my primary school English teacher used to say to provide an analogy: “A full bottle is never easily blown by the wind but an empty bottle topples right off the wall!” it was his way of saying humpty-dumpty would have been fixed if he wasn't hollow...lol

I can think of several reasons why finding persons of integrity seem so difficult a feat these days:

·         We live in an image driven society

There is a high level of admiration for what is on the outside as compared to what is on the inside.

P.R.O has become very easy as compared to what it should be! These days we manage impressions rather than build strength of character.

·         The quick fix mentality

No body wants to pass through the school of hard knocks any more! Society is no more interested in the long windy way to success and attainment as long as you fit in, dress, act and spend like a star its all good.

Breaking new!

Most of life’s greatest and important challenges are not easily influenced by quick fixes.

·         The blame game

Societies seem to have endorsed the ‘blame game’ from politics down to simply raising the next generation. As such, terms like self acceptance, self determination, and personal responsibility have been rolled under the carpet in accordance with the fad of our times. As long as there is room for cheap publicity and there is some one to blame (hurray) you can feel free to play the long suffering victim and become a Star.

 In other cases, no body wishes to honourably take responsible so it becomes the classic case of ‘Mr. nobody’.

Integrity involves making the personal choice to be consistent, committed to being principled and morally upright. It also entails speaking your truth, being honourably true to one self and those around you even if it is hard.

your gist mate,

Shy