Femme –strong (2): “being emotionally independent”

                          Femme –strong (2): “being emotionally independent”

                                              ‘...And the daughter of a lioness is a lioness!

Hi to all!
I know it has been a while since I posted on my blog...  between classes, hustle and exams
well today I heard an interesting conversation while coming home from my evening stroll and my God! Did it take me back to the foot of the cross on mount Golgotha?

 Folks, I was harshly reminded of a time in my distant past where deference and people’s validation was what mattered the most and I felt a need to talk.

Any way, where else would I find the opportunity to gist about it except with my gist mates?

There was a time when I couldn't be described as an independent person; I always had to depend on others for validation and if those who knew me way back accused me of being a Hobbit, it was my way of making up for my painful shyness, lack of confidence and deep seated feeling of worthlessness I used to remember burying my heads in stacks of books because I felt no one understood me.

Casting my mind back, it was more out of a lack of esteem, a deep yearning to be ‘like’ every other person around me undermining the fact that these people came from backgrounds that were different from mine, experienced life differently from mine and as was expected had a right to their opinions as I had a right to mine.

By the time I became an undergraduate and realized that I had a right to be ‘different’, as every body else was, I started another circle, one of self-validation. This time I became counsel, judge and jury over each and every action I took or was to take, and God help me if it was something I counted terribly disgraceful or felt deeply ashamed of. It never really mattered whether or not others saw it as ‘simply being human’.

After all I should have thought before I ever thought, felt or acted that way! Even if it was simply being attracted to a young man (seriously! I can’t believe I put my self through untold emotional hardship for nothing.) My life was a never ending circle of self judgement rather than self value and as long as I choose to continue this way I was going to remain dependent on others for emotional self worth.

I never realized I had started on this tiring unending journey of self validation, until a bosom friend of mine pointed out my eagerness to please, my need to impress others, my fear of criticism and incessant worry about what this will say or that will think! Even without necessarily carrying out the so called ‘condemnable’ act.

So much so that I often held back on issues of interest as a result and worse still, others were beginning to take advantage of this. ‘Live life! Was her retort each time she saw that look of self doubt on my face, I simply got tired of living a life of anxiety one day and decided it was time to change, after all none of those I  deferred to were not saints!

 My friend was right, the life was mine to live and it was time I choose to live for me.

So on the road to recovery or subtly put-independence, I started keeping tabs of my feelings, noting my inner insecurities and various addictions; I also had to keep notes of my acts of kindness and then start consciously valuing my self as a kind person. I realized emotional independence was a very personal thing and that it didn't necessarily mean keeping to one self (though I am very much a Hobbit, interpersonal skills has often depended on my mood swings) it also affected an individual’s independence as a person and includes good decision-making skills and learning all about the salient areas in one’s life where you should take charge.

Self-judgment is a form of control to get oneself to do things "the right way" so that people will validate you and approve of your actions but as much as any individual might succeed in getting those around to approve of their every action, as long as an individual keeps judging one self, that person will continue to feel badly about his /her self.

It might be an ego booster but in the long run it’s not worth it as it places you in a vulnerable position and gives power to another over you. A constant string of negative validation from the seeker tears down one’s self esteem and makes the individual who seek validation feel he/she is of no value.

So as I walked back home. Not even wanting to be reminded of those awful days of self suffering I couldn't help remembering what my Mom’s reply had been when I came home crying from school and told her no body liked me’, Why? She had asked, a puzzled look on her face ‘because they say, I am different! I replied stamping my right foot on the ground in anger, ‘you can’t be like every body else, was her reply, else the world wont be an interesting place to live in, ‘you re my daughter, console your self that in your difference you are like me. It was my turn to ask her ‘why? Because the daughter of a lioness is a lioness and cannot be a sheep!” she had replied impatiently, you need to believe more in your self, do you see me acting and dressing like most mommies? No, I replied timidly seeming to see my Mommy for the first time as she walked towards the direction of her bedroom, her six inch heels clicking away.

 Gosh! I thought, ‘Why hadn't I noticed that in a time when most mothers choose to dress in blouses and wrappers, Bubo’s and such, which was deemed socially acceptable my own Mother constantly broke the norm and veered to the opposite direction?

your gist mate,

Shy