Saving our selves from our self!

HI folks!

 The yuletide season is back again and jolly as the season maybe some of us are already working on our New Year resolutions. Did I just catch you make that face? The one that says, ’I have been there, done that’... [lol].

Honestly, my take on New Year resolutions has been the same for the past four years

We never keep them!

 In the next few days after promising to change this or stop that, we find our selves towing the same line...old habits die hard, so what’s the point?

 Instead I consciously make efforts to work towards achieving personal growth by striving to become more tolerant, loving and in control. I believe that once I master this act, I’d be a better person, my life will run smoothly, and I can claim to have achieved  a perfect, happy existence and friends I’m at it every day like clock work.

Coming to brass tracks, I am a firm believer in the belief that there are three sides to every individual

[1]The person people think they know: usually this can be colored by events, circumstances and conditions through which these individuals got to know you.

[2]How you see yourself: oftentimes colored by individual sense of self worth. Childhood upbringing/experiences and personal /social achievements, etcetera.

[3] Who really you are: That part of you that is concealed from your social circle yet has control of your actions and general perception to life. For some of us it constantly peeks over our shoulders to remind us of what we naturally are inclined to do, and when it shows itself in a sudden show of impulsive out burst, intense sadness, shyness, or rage, we shamefacedly try to ignore it or better still make excuses like ‘’I have been kind of stressed out this week or we say the usual ‘’that wasn't really me!’’Come to think of it, pretending it isn't there is a major pain in the knee for some of us because it sometimes causes strain in our public lives!

Realizing I could be a modern day Jekyll and Hyde wasn't easy on my psyche and I hated it intensely for the many apologies I had to mouth at being wired that way. My school/work friends could almost be certain I wasn't the girl they were introduced to at that party last week! But what’s a girl to do when the question -‘‘who am I?’’ remains unresolved.

 So, in a bid to resolve my inner conflicts, I stifled  my inner insecurities and years down the line, graduated from the University with the closest answer to that question being Descant’s philosophical quote-‘’I THINK THEREFORE I EXIST’’ [lol]

So welcome today to ‘shy spoken word’ as yours truly, shares with you two of my character inconsistencies: just may be this might earn me the right to claim that pot of gold, hidden beneath the earth at the end of the rainbow.

·        Gregarious  versus  Shyness: 

‘’painfully shy...very quiet...not sociable, marred my report cards from  Junior nursery to my first year in senior secondary school, my Mom used to be so upset, so I decided  to be sociable and earned my mark by being elected social prefect at the start of my final year in secondary school. My parent and siblings still wonder how I got there.

Once graduated from university, my first job was in marketing; on getting home I complained to my family, I had expected I’d be employed as a personal assistant to the managing director. My younger sister had exclaimed ‘oh no! Your recruiters got you all wrong’. Well I consciously sought to disprove that fallacy and at the end of one year, I only gave up that job because it was a strain on my person. My favourite job still remains research! And I mean the sought done by poking endlessly through books, sifting through websites or call centres.

 I once told a friend of mine that had I a choice of a dream wedding, Id be married at 6 am mass,( in the company of select family and friends) and be done with it. At least it will save me the inconvenience of dealing with the usual fanfare wedding favoured by family and my in-laws. I don’t think she believed me one bit!

Recalling the night before the D-day still makes me laugh, I had visions of me playing a real life version of ‘’the run away bride’’ (remember the Richard Gere and Julia Roberts version?).Only the eldest of my younger brother knew this and he talked me through it in the early hours of the morning.

Come the next day I walked down that aisle and almost started frowning the very instant we were out of church, had my mom not stationed my aunts around the hall to be smiler reminders, my wedding pictures would have been ruined for life!

The truth is I don’t like parties that much, I hate organizing them (in comes the planner, if it’s a must) and I see no point in most public functions. I usually have to work my self into an acceptable frame of mind to attend the ones I get invited to(especially if its a loved one/close friend) yet am so scared of being called a bore and worried friends would find my mood swings incomprehensible.

So if any one sees me digging those latest dance moves at your end of the year party [lol because I soooo... love to dance!] it’s because I am in the mood to and that doesn't happen often.

·        Emotional neutrality versus Intense emotions

‘’J, learn to take a joke for heavens sake’’, yelled my brother in utter frustration. He was the mimic of the house hold and I often found his jibes cruelly hard but they were what they were-simply jokes!

The plan truth was this-I have intense emotions. I feel words/actions really deep. I have intense reactions too. I could cry for love of a beautiful sunset or the depth of another’s words.

Try as I wish to change this, I never succeed because no matter how neutral I set out to build my emotions, am naturally wired that way. Stifling my feelings often seem the only way out because I was worried that my intense emotions may scare others away as I am often in constant judgment of it.

So today, I throw a challenge at the girl I see in the mirror: hence forth, she is to create the space to embrace and accept those aspects of her self she is not comfortable with. Yet accept that fundamentally she is accountable for her actions and be ready to deal with repercussions that come with genuine acceptance of her selves, while loving her self unconditionally. It is the ultimate act of self love! For how can we truly love others completely, when we've  never  learnt to love our selves? 

A very merry Christmas,

your gist mate,

Shy 

                                                                   WE SALUTE!

( A BRIEF INSIGHT INTO THE HISTORY OF NIGERIA BEFORE THEY CAME)

 WITH THE PASSING OF MANDELA-THE LAST OF HIS KIND

MY THOUGHTS GO OUT IN PRAISES TO ALL UNSUNG HERO’S OF OUR PAST

MY LEFT HAND IS RAISED IN A FISTED PRAISE FOR THEIR ROLES IN OUR TURBULENT PAST

FOR THEIRS WAS A FIGHT FOR FREEDOM FOR THEIR PEOPLE...THAT WE MAY NOT ONLY WALK OUR LAND IN PEACE BUT RAISE OUR HEADS IN PRIDE....

• WE SALUTE YOU, KING JAJA OF OPOBO (JUBO JUBOGHA)(1821–1891) FORCEFULLY ARRESTED TRIED IN ACCRA  IN THE  GOLD COAST (NOW GHANA) AND  EXILED TO SAINT VINCENT IN THE WESR INDIES.IN 1891, JAJA WAS GRANTED PERMISSION TO RETURN TO OPOBO, BUT DIED EN ROUTE, ALLEGEDLY POISONED WITH A CUP OF TEA

• · WE HAIL YOU, CHEIF NANA OLOMU (1852–1916) ) OF THE ITSHERI KINGDOM.DEPORTED FROM THE SHORES OF HIS HOME LAND     OLOMU SURRENDERED IN   LAGOS AFTER HIS ARREST HE WAS DEPORTED TO THE GOLD COAST(GHANA) IN 1894 AND LATER TO THE WEST INDIES

• ·         OBA OVORAWMEN NOGBAISI OF BENIN OF THE GREAT BENIN EMPIRE (RULED 1888–1897), FORCED TO GO INTO EXILE IN TODAY’S CALABAR. WHILE THE BRITISH, STAYED BACK TO STEAL AND LOOT THE ANCIENT CITY’S RICH ART TREASURES WHICH THEY CATERED OFF TO THE UNITED KINGDOM. NIGERIA IS STILL NEGOTIATING THE RETURN OF BENIN’S TREASURES TILL TODAY.

• ·         WE SALUTE THE GREAT EKUMEKU RESISTANCE MOVEMENT UNIQUE IN ANIOMA HISTORY FOR ITS GREAT SOURCE OF NATIONALISM AMONG THE ANIOMA PEOPLE.A RESPECTED ARMY MADE OF THE BEST OF IBO WARRIORS FOR THEIR VARIOUS UPRISINGS (1898, 1902, 1904, 1909, 1911, ETC.).
•      THEY WERE A WELL ORGANISED FORCE WHOSE LEADERS WERE JOINED IN SECRECY OATHS WHO EFFECTIVELY UTILIZED GUERRILLA TACTICS IN ATTACKING THE BRITISH.
•      MEMBERS OF THEIR FORCE, WERE DRAWN FROM THOUSANDS OF ANIOMA YOUTHS (FROM ALL PARTS OF ANIOMA LAND), THEY CAUSED SO MANY PROBLEMS FOR THE BRITISH SO THAT THE BRITISH WERE FORCED TO EMPLOY FORCEFUL TACTICS AND HEAVY ARMAMENTS THUS DESTROYING HOMES, FARMS, AND ROADS  IN A BID TO SUBDUE THE ANIOMA PEOPLE.

• ·         WE SALUTE THE WOMEN OF ABA,WHO TOOK PART IN THE ABA WOMEN’S RIOT OF 1920, WHEN MEN BACKED DOWN,THEY TOUCHED THE FLAMES
• 
  
•      WE SALUTE THE GREAT SULTAN MUHAMMADU ATTAHIRU I (OCTOBER 13^TH 1902-AUGUST 1903)OF THE GREAT SOKOTO CALIPHAT WHO LED HIS ARMY AGAINST THE BRITISH IN WAR UNTIL HE DIED IN BATTLE AT BRUMI NEAR PRESENT DAY BAUCHI IN 1903

·         WE AGAIN SALUTE NELSON MANDELA THE LAST OF HIS KIND.

YOUR GIST MATE,

SHY

Wake up and smell the coffee...

Was it three days ago I last took a bus ride to the city center? Yeah it was!

By God I almost wanted to slap the smirk off this ridiculous boy’s face not only for the nasal way he spoke but the way he delivered his verbal blow to whom ever he was speaking aloud to on phone.

 ‘Oh  Gawd! Are you crying? Look Rachael (he says picking his goatee theatrically and making a public spectacle of his self) I hate it when girls cry when they told the truth? Why do you girls cry? Fine...fine. I will visit our daughter but don’t start thinking you’d get a second chance.’ He murmured before pressing the red button, pocketing his mobile phone and getting off the bus at the next stop.

‘Second chance? It was either Rachael didn't have her head screwed on right, had poor taste in men or the guy was deluded’.

Of the first speculation, I was certain! Jeez, what do you expect from a guy who feels he looks hot gabbed in faded blue jean that would soon be responsible for a grand fall should he miss a step at any point because he hadn't the common sense to acknowledge his waist  is situated just after his torso. As far as that guy was concerned, his waist was where his hips ought to be and if you asked him he looked cool ‘cause he was (what do they call it?) sagging.

By noon, sitting down in the cafeteria, I couldn't help but hear snatches of this fine young man’s animated conversation(fine its not like am going around not minding  my business but people, the ears can’t help but pick on conversations, especially when you are alone !)

‘No, no no! I've been through this so many times; I can no longer stand it. She lashes at me verbally all the time and for nothing...I leave... she apologizes ...I let her back and the circle continues the same old mess! What in God’s name did I do to deserve the way she treats me?’ he asked in a pained voice

At this point it occurred to me that as people, We naturally will never get hurt by just any body, in converse when we are hurt, broken hearted, it is by those who we have opened our hearts to... It seems every body around me have love problems today I thought as I packed my half eaten sandwich and proceeded to class in a hurry, and just before the poor guy noticed I was listening in, on his conversation but you see people this sets the background for our gist today-How do we protect our hearts?, how do we prevent our hearts from going through needless pain and tears, the aftermath of which is often self doubt in most cases.

My gist today is for the broken hearted that expectant trusting heart whose wish will never be fulfilled. This is for that individual curled up like a fist at night, sucking on his or her thumb, your heart in tatters wondering to his or her self-‘where did I go wrong?

I’d tell you where you went wrong!

 You went wrong when you condoled that inferior feeling your partner meted out to you and thought you could change him or her. How on earth do you think you can change a full grown person without his or her consent?

 Has it ever occurred to you that he or she may be so steeped in that habit and is satisfied with living life that way? Pu-leez!

Isn't it clear enough that what you need to do is remove your self from the situation? So these pains would be healed. How on earth do you expect happiness when you have refuse to distance your self from that person who causes you soo much pain, it’s a wonder he or she claims to love you.

Some of us has formed a habit if rehearsing pain, so that we truly forget what we deserve thus sacrificing our self worth on alters of self expectations! I term it ‘self expectation’ because only you seem to see these expectations because of what ‘only’ you feel- your partners never share these visions for them selves because they don’t share your feelings and will never treat you better.

So he compares you to another and calls it candidness, you are always the recipient at the wrong end of the stick, yet you suck it up and keep trying to meet your partners yardstick, that which he/her hasn’t and will never meet. Wake up and smell the coffee Darling, you’d never meet it!

 The heart that is meant to love you will NEVER compare you to another, so why over look this? Continually waiting on the possibility that it will one day be different?

He’s apologized severally and each time it happens again the beatings get worse. He’s even found ways to pin the reason for his actions on you! One by one he sheds you of your acquaintances, close friends and family members. Can’t you see that the reason he doesn’t get along with them at all is that he needs to isolate you so he can do with you what he pleases?

You’ve walked out severally on that partner that’s kept your heart going on an emotional roller coaster, yet you treat that relationship like a set of revolving door you can’t do without.

Do you think that individual never expected you back? Of cause he/she did. The minute you said you were through, they knew you’d be back-apologies and all!

Your walking out never made an impact in the first place-you know why? Because that person knew you’d be back, that’s why. So each time you walked out, they considered it a break. Soon you’d be back for a fix of them! You re conditioned to having them treat you like they do, it’s like it’s a fix, only you don’t know this...Hmmn and you wonder why they cant change.

Change has to start with you ...yes I said with you.

First you’ve got to make up your mind to take that step towards transition! You’ve got to step out of that situation that you swore you’d never go back to and begin to believe you can do better. Hey it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve invested.

You’ve got to base your decision on their actions and stop listening to words. Such individuals have the potential to weave words like webs around you and the fact is that they know it! How many times have you heard old folks say that ‘actions speak louder than words? Take me serious people...it applies here.

You got to learn to let go of how you feel for such persons, stop giving chances to that individual who keeps taking advantage of your forgiveness! Stop searching for reasons, Stop making excuses, building possibilities in your head... Stop praying and asking God to heal those wounds or proffer a solution because deep down you know what it is. He’s already shown you!

Remember, in today’s world we have a duty towards our selves, one of which is to protect our heart.

You’d be hearing from me soonest,

Your gist mate

Shy

tips to keep your woman locked down and truly happy

Good morning friends,

been ages I've been up here to post on a blog

yeah I hear you****** no excuses this time.

no worries dears, I am certainly not the first to have a gizillion things doing, but good thing is I always ave ya'all in mind 24/7. 

 So am here to share stuff I shared with an acquaintance who claims to be ''a new man''.I figured out you all will find these info's pretty useful.Especially my married and about to be married friends. 

 p.s : Hoping am not leaving the babes out o! only its so much fun finding stuff to tell men for once you know (giggles) coming from a culture that most often has stuff to tell ladies all the time concerning 'keeping your man locked down (yawns).I am glad that I can be instrumental to the reversal of roles today, even if its for this moment. (sighs) So here goes, tips to keep your woman locked down and truly happy...(note the words truly happy,it's one thing to be locked down and another to be to truly happy in that state!) 

After all I just heard a cynic say today, that wedding rings are the smallest hand cuffs available so... every body gatz to know exactly what they're getting into before saying ''I do'' (very true words though,even though they seemed to be laced with cynicism) 

where did i stop? ah haa.... tips to keep your woman locked down and truly happy 

1.Taking your role of financial provider for his family's basic living expenses seriously ! this means keeping them financially sound and debt free

2.Accepting that family comes first, distractions come later

3. Include your wifey in planning your vision for the future this entails Seeking consultation from your wife on all major financing decisions,Discussing household responsibilities with your wife and making sure they are fairly distributed.

4. Be willing and accepting of your wrongs...true men are actually able to say  "I'm sorry", " please'' and,Forgive me"

5.Accept spiritual responsibility for your family, in prayer and in actions.This includes, Praying with your wife and kids on a regular basis and being being involved with other men dedicated to spiritual growth. 

6.  Following through with commitments you make with your wife.

7. Respecting your wife in public and in private, 

8. Telling her what you like about her often,discuss your marriage and anticipate the different stages your marriage will pass through.Gone are the days when women were given this odious task to carry alone.

7. Taking  time out, to give his children practical instructions about life, this will naturally entail anticipating, the different stages his kids will pass through and preparing before hand

8. Actively contribute to Managing the schedule of the home and anticipating pressure points, this includes Initiating meaningful family traditions,fun outings and  establishing sound family values to boot

9.Encourages you wife to grow as an individual, provide time for her to pursue her own personal interests and dreams, be that push that would thrust  her into lime light! Guy it takes two strong pillars to hold the roof top of a house firmly!

10. As hard as this may seem to say, make sure you and your wife have drawn up a will ! why is it easy to find couples talking and fighting about joint account, when issues like joint wills are ignored ehn...drawing up a will doesn't mean you re counting your days...(seriously!)

11. Discuss sex with each child in a way that gives them a wholesome perspective (those of you with teenagers...hmmn...there's enough to lead them the wrong way!...What with Miley Cyrus  and Riri tweaking for all the world to see

12. I know...I know... you'd be asking me ''what do you mean?'' but its the darn truth and am not deleting this  Let your wife and kids know the real you! please  let her into the interior of your life! its absolutely ridiculous that you put up that facade with those closest to you.Its an indirect way of saying 'hey I don't trust you all' which is not supposed to be.If you say you love them then its perfectly safe to let down your guard and let your vulnerable side come out.

so what do you say ladies....(giggles) do I  speak your mind? 

. 

                        The makings of a Champion

                   (Facing it when we’ve got the wind knocked off our sails)

I’ve never wanted to be the sought of woman who allows life’s toss and turns determine her fate and there are times when I just want to lie down, weep and admit defeat but try hard as I may, my heart won’t let me. So there I’m picking up from where I last left off even if life  has just thrown me one  its usual curve balls! I am determined not to let it beat me down.

Suffice it to say there are moments when I feel down right helpless! Times when I feel that if I were any where near the word ‘intelligent’ or ‘reasonable’ I ought to back down, walk out and let go but it is in such moments that I remember that I have passed through harder times, dealt with life’s unexpectedness severally and smiled at the end. I compare this to a woman in labour and the look on her face after birthing her burden of joy! And in times when this comparison doesn’t seem to hold water I bear in mind that every occurrence has its flip side, this doesn’t stop me though from admitting the possibility that most incidences have left me deflated rather than elated .

I must admit that when faced with particularly difficult situations, we tend to loss hope! All of a sudden you find your self in a situation you never for once envisaged and the word ‘cope’ seem to have been suddenly erased from your list of dictions but it is important to bear in mind that this feeling of despair isn’t here to stay-someday it’d be a point of reference, one that could build you up positively if you let it.

Granted, there are no immediate fixes to any difficulties you or I might be experiencing, no fairy god mothers to turn a pumpkin into a coach with a flash of the wand and I am sure by now we all know that there is nothing free on ‘free street’ even from those whom we hope or hoped to gain some form solace from but (its all good) there are smaller steps we can climb to assist us emerge successful and happier than how we feel right now. Bear in mind that to succeed at this, one must learn to adopt a more positive and constructive philosophy towards life whilst surrounding one self with others who share the same view of life! This is because these people will lead the way towards achieving these visions. That being said,

·         You must be disciplined

         Discipline; the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etcetera

 It is important at such point to analyse one self, whilst determining one’s goals, ambitions and aspirations. You must have your aim crested on your heart! And let your quest for this desire lead you. Being disciplined mustn’t entail force of any form; this is because the outcome of lack of discipline will mean a forfeiture of one’s life long desire in the first place. Accomplishing this feat will require time, concentrating one’s effort and continual hard work in other to achieve that something that really matters to us.

·          Sincere Commitment

                A pledge or promise; obligation, engagement, involvement 

There must be sincere loyalty, determination and dedication towards attaining this life long desire! You must genuinely believe in its success, this involves following up and sticking with it no matter what others might say. This is the singular most important factor that births other attributes that make a success at what ever endeavour we might be working on presently.

·         Consistency

                     A lack of contradiction; steadfast adherence to a cause 

Consistency equals accountability, sustainability and security in the minds of those watching us, working with us or following us (believe it or not, no matter who we are, we have a person or persons looking up to us).

As Louis C.K opines...’I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get better results’. In a nut shell every endeavour that is carried out with consistency often flows in sync.  

·         Faith

        ‘Faith is taking the first step even when we don’t see the whole stair case’

                                       - Martin Luther king Jr.

I’ve always noted this, toughest principle to possess at the beginning of a journey and if one possesses it at the start, then it is the hardest to sustain! Trust me this singular aspect of our talk is mainly responsible for wanting to curl in that foetal position, weeping and giving up all together but how can one hope to achieve that vision should we lack a vision in the first place? Should we lack the heart and motivation to see beauty rise from the ashes we hold on today- through our tears, through our struggles, through demeaning words and listless stares from those too small minded to understand?

So there it is ‘FAITH’ that we can do that which seem impossible, follow our hearts, such that our dreams do not remain just that-‘DREAMS’. That our desires do not just remain just that ‘DESIRE’, that our aspirations do not gather dust in the annals of time, that our ’ thoughts’ will bear wings and fly soaring far and above for the world to see, admire, value and benefit from.

Yes! Right now I feel like that proverbial child, tutored to win that swimming competition (in the Atlantic Ocean) without the necessities due me to win it in the first place but I look forward to stepping on that podium, a wreath in my hands, a gold medal on my neck or a golden trophy-whatever! Cameras flashing away and a standing ovation to boot! People id be hugging that lime light like a little girl rocks pink.lol

preserving the child hood of the girl child

                                               preserving the child hood of the girl child

                                                     '...if you see a good fight 
                                                                    get in it...'
                                                                                Vernon Johns

I am pained and when in distress I naturally turn to that which is my weapon of war-writing! A friend of mine took to face book in the midst of this public protest concerning the amendment of section 29(4b) of the Nigerian (1999) constitution and opined 

  "... before 18 years,she needs a dictionary not a D***,

        give her a pen, not a P****,

        give her money for her text book not for ante-natal,

        she should be playing swell with friends not watching a sick pervert 'swell'.

        Ask her for books not her Boobs,

        give her good education not Ejaculation,

        she should be watching Ben 10 not going on round 10, 

It is completely wrong psychologically,socially and morally to give out an underage child for marriage!' ...

Kudos Idowu Omoloja for being the spark that invigorates the fire that has cooled to smoldering ashes over the last four years.

Section 29(4a) of the 1999 constitution reads:'full age means the age of 18 years and above', while (4b) states: Any woman who is married shall be deemed to be of full age.'The legal implication of this is that the constitution recognizes 18 years and above as a marriageable age.There are citizens who even argue that the acceptable age should have been 21, as an 18 year old within the Nigerian context is still very much a child in the opinion of the general public.
Little wonder, Senator Ahmed Rufai Sani Yerima's utterances, claiming marriage (Islam) as a basis for the automatic transformation of under aged teenagers into full fledged adults has opened up public's displeasure at the practice of child marriage most prevalent in the North of Nigeria.This is no surprise coming from a man whose past antecedent included marrying a 13 year old Egyptian girl in 2010,having previously married a 15 year old girl in 2006. Calls for his continual incarceration were in order, however under article 61 of the second schedule of the Nigerian constitution, the government has no power to legislate on marriages contracted under Islamic/customary law thus the Senator had no legal case  to answer. 

Rumor had it, that his Egyptian bride cost him $100,000 (£66,000) in dowry.This from a legislator of a country where citizens can barely afford to keep up with three square meals a day and cater to their health needs!(the argument might be that Nigeria doesn't practice the welfare system of governance) but does the thought of an impoverished citizenry (60.9%) deter such a man from wasting such an amount of money on such a debatable action? -no!

Recent statistics,'show that Nigeria a country with two percent of the world's population possesses ten percent of VVF  patients, most of which occur in the North of Nigeria. Three quarters of these VVF/RVF cases are young girls who are not yet physically mature and have suffered trauma in their first pregnancy, caused by a tear in the flesh between the virgina and the unitary passage due to prolonged labor.This also results in uncontrolled urine or feces in the case of recto-virginal fistulae. Most of these young girls are subsequently abandoned by their spouses and lack the funds to pay for the requisite correctional operation.                            
Statistically 144 women loose their lives in child birth in Nigeria every day,with the North east alone recording 5 times the global rate of maternal mortality yet the Senate see no reason why they should be bothered with this.

It is pathetic enough that pressure groups such as  The Gender and Constitution Reform Network [(GECORN), a coalition of women's rights organisations across Nigeria] are ignored in the face of such  outrage, but I wish to ask, where are our female senators? where are our female commissioners and ministers? please I implore you-lend your voices! Diziani Alison Maduike, here is the time for your nasty retorts, the likes of which you  un-apologetically dealt Nigerians with, during  the fuel  subsidy strike.Patience Jonathan,  our honorable first lady-please this is time to shine, are you silently sitting down, ignoring a fight that should be first and fore most yours? These girls may not be your daughters but your name will be written in gold if you choose to honor this fight. 

There are a thousand and one reasons why this fight is a good fight,child marriage in my opinion is ultimately worse than slavery.It stands in the way of young adolescence who have  dreams of acquiring an education, it denies them access to information,knowledge and economic empowerment and productivity and most important to note, it is dangerous to the girl child's health and will no doubt run Nigeria to a halt if nothing is done about it as it deliberately creates an avenue  through which female children are stalled from  reaching their full potentials .I know,that in frustration some might say, why bother fighting ? for how long will we keep talking,writing and protesting? but the words of I.F Stone from Curtis White's 'The middle mind why Americans don't think for them selves '(pg. 201) ring true in this circumstances as a source of comfort-

'The only kinds of fights worth fighting are those you are going to lose, because somebody has to fight them and lose and lose and lose until someday, somebody who believes as you do wins.In order for somebody to win an important, major fight 100 years hence,a lot of other people have got to be willing - for the sheer fun and joy of it-to go right ahead and fight,knowing you're going to lose. You mustn't feel like a martyr. You've got to enjoy it.”

I choose this day to lend my voice to 'the protection of the dignity of the girl child' for as my Mother used to say, 'let no mountain scare you, in a bid to reach your dreams.To conquer that mountain, you either attempt to climb that mountain,walk around that mountain or bore a hole through that mountain,one drill at a time! 

silence speaks

                                            




                                  
                                                 Silence speaks
                                                    it speaks most eloquently
                                                                  Silence leads
                                                                           it leads adequately
                                                                                  Silence isn't silent
                                                                                           it is a gathering of words  
                                                                                  nurtured through meditation!
                                                                                                         a gathering of storms
                                                                                                                  Silence speaks

                                 I am Kandake [KAN duh see] 

                                                ’’ Kandake or Kentake ;

                          Also Candace The title for queens and queen mothers

                           Of the ancient African Kingdom of Kush, (also known)

                                              As Nubian and Ethiopia’’

As I got prepared to mount that pulpit, I felt my heart pulsate with rapid abandon. This isn’t unusual; in fact it had become some what of a strength, (an adrenalin rush as I secretly love to call it) one I depend on to prepare me each time I find my self in a position where I am to address a crowd. You see folks; public speaking happens to be one of my biggest phobias but yet I get thrust into circumstances that entail public speaking or singing as the case may be some times.

 Truth is, most people closest to me wouldn't readily accept this claim (my phobia for public speaking), why? Because I've learnt to be courageous about my fears, a long time ago I decided to turn my sea of doubts into a safe haven. So palpitations, sweaty palms instantaneous headaches or not! I face my phobia each time I speak or sing publicly.

Each time I find my self about to mount that stage or about to be thrust into the light, I summon courage from my inner Kandake and above all, I endeavor to look as confident as I ought to, you know as the Americans say-walk the talk.

Courage! One would wonder what this word has got to do with ordinary people, when the issue of courage comes up, we instinctively think it’s a virtue reserved exclusively for Activist, Soldiers and Athletes and the like. In truth, this virtue is so undermined in our daily lives today more so as emphasis now lies with self preservation. There seem to be a ban on being outspoken!

 ‘Go with the flow’... ‘Shhh...Don’t draw attention of the public eye’! Seem to be the latest mantra by which we live. Now am not preaching unnecessary loudness(the sought subscribed to by a ‘notice me or I die’ person but we've got to admit that the side effect of living life this way lies in accepting to play safe always thus subscribing to live re-actively  Instead of standing up to that individual that physically, verbally or emotionally bullies, you chuck your head and device ways to avoid him/her. Instead of walking out of that unhappy relationship, you dream up one or as many reasons to stay-Religion, Tradition, Status, Expectations! In fact you re dying under the weight of which ever reason you've chosen to hide under. Any one out there with a job you hate so much it feels like an imposition to make your way to work each morning? Don’t you think its time to set new goals/aspirations, stop playing by the rules and find a space for something more fulfilling?

What we don’t often want to accept is the desire to face our fears (imagined or real)-the fear of rejection, failure, humiliation, regret, success, water, heights, discomfort, poverty, being ostracized, being expressive, being different, Name it! The list is endless.

 Have you for one minute imagined what life would be, without your fears? Without your having to be conventional and going with the flow all the time-Harnessing the virtue of courage doesn’t necessarily mean you lack fear, it means gaining mastery over our fears, resistance over our worries, saddling up to the fact that there are issues more important than those intrusions. Facing up to the fact that the situation might well involve setting aside what we or others might say and dealing with the circumstances we are or might be in. In a nut shell gaining courage means alienating our cowardice, gaining mastery over our apprehensions and silencing that inner voice that reminds us that we are incapable of achieving that feat! For it all starts with us, our understanding of our capabilities, visions and beliefs-That! Before others begin to voice their opinions, however positive or negative, they might be!

People it is time to realize, that no matter how many talks, books and films we gather around us, concerning building our confidence and heightening our self esteem, it all starts with a little spark of courage! For courage is the spark that build’s self confidence and heightens self esteem in every individual and it can be asserted in varying ways, we may not all be Martin Luther-king, Vernon John, Malcolm X, Asante Shakur, kwame Nkrumah or Nelson Mandela. We may not be able to sing ours as fearlessly as Tupac Amaru- Shakur or fiery tempered like Fela Anipulakpo- Kuti but we may decide to adopt the subtle ways of Bob Marley, Lucky Dube and Miriam Makeba, we may also choose to write like Wole Soyinka’s, pass a life long message like Chinua Achebe or go the maternal ways of Maya Angelou! We could in such ways emulate the famous Bessie Emery Head whose life long achievement is summed up in her most famous words,  for the reason why she writes...‘"I am building a stairway to the stars. I have the authority to take the whole of mankind up there with me. That is why I write." and  if we are not inclined to show courage via speaking, singing or writing then our actions can tell it all, for the popular saying goes ‘actions speaks louder than words’ or is it not so?

So you ask me, how do I respond to this shrill stubborn voice that just won’t be silent when I stand face to face with a situation that just won’t cut the mark?  Or when I have to confront one of my many phobias? I choose not to act reactively; I chose not to sink into despair and act helpless. I say to that voice, Shhh... I am Kandake! (now I do not speak of the Kandake recorded of in the Acts of the Apostle, 8:27).

I speak of Kandake Amanirenas! Certainly, history has done Africans an injustice not mentioning the prowess of this line of women (as much isn’t known about the Black Queens and Kings of Ethiopia). Kandake Amanirenas was so courageous during her reign that despite loosing an eye in a battle against the Romans who invaded the city of Meroe she undauntedly defended Ethiopia against Alexander the great of Macedon (a state in the North of ancient Greece) who was at the time trampling through the ancient world conquering countries.

 He had at that time set his eyes on Ethiopia (a land that exceeded other nations in Gold and wealth) that he wanted it at all cost. Story has it that Kandake Amanirenas gathered her black troops, lined them up and stood atop two African Elephants on a throne and waited for Alexander to show up. Alexander the "great” didn't want to risk a loss so he give up on this battle. Loosing to a woman (known for her deadly military tactics in all her glory and her well armed armies with their latest iron weapons) wasn't a situation he was ready to envisage. So on seeing the black Queen on her Elephants and her black armies, Alexander the "great" halted his armies at the first cataract and turned back into Egypt.

Another version has it that Alexander had a semi private meeting with Kandake Amenirenas, where she informed him to leave Ethiopia immediately or face the defeat of his army, after which she would severe his head and roll it down a hill.  Alexander promptly chose life!

So people how do you deal with situations when you re in dire need of courage?

           

Femme –strong (2): “being emotionally independent”

                          Femme –strong (2): “being emotionally independent”

                                              ‘...And the daughter of a lioness is a lioness!

Hi to all!
I know it has been a while since I posted on my blog...  between classes, hustle and exams
well today I heard an interesting conversation while coming home from my evening stroll and my God! Did it take me back to the foot of the cross on mount Golgotha?

 Folks, I was harshly reminded of a time in my distant past where deference and people’s validation was what mattered the most and I felt a need to talk.

Any way, where else would I find the opportunity to gist about it except with my gist mates?

There was a time when I couldn't be described as an independent person; I always had to depend on others for validation and if those who knew me way back accused me of being a Hobbit, it was my way of making up for my painful shyness, lack of confidence and deep seated feeling of worthlessness I used to remember burying my heads in stacks of books because I felt no one understood me.

Casting my mind back, it was more out of a lack of esteem, a deep yearning to be ‘like’ every other person around me undermining the fact that these people came from backgrounds that were different from mine, experienced life differently from mine and as was expected had a right to their opinions as I had a right to mine.

By the time I became an undergraduate and realized that I had a right to be ‘different’, as every body else was, I started another circle, one of self-validation. This time I became counsel, judge and jury over each and every action I took or was to take, and God help me if it was something I counted terribly disgraceful or felt deeply ashamed of. It never really mattered whether or not others saw it as ‘simply being human’.

After all I should have thought before I ever thought, felt or acted that way! Even if it was simply being attracted to a young man (seriously! I can’t believe I put my self through untold emotional hardship for nothing.) My life was a never ending circle of self judgement rather than self value and as long as I choose to continue this way I was going to remain dependent on others for emotional self worth.

I never realized I had started on this tiring unending journey of self validation, until a bosom friend of mine pointed out my eagerness to please, my need to impress others, my fear of criticism and incessant worry about what this will say or that will think! Even without necessarily carrying out the so called ‘condemnable’ act.

So much so that I often held back on issues of interest as a result and worse still, others were beginning to take advantage of this. ‘Live life! Was her retort each time she saw that look of self doubt on my face, I simply got tired of living a life of anxiety one day and decided it was time to change, after all none of those I  deferred to were not saints!

 My friend was right, the life was mine to live and it was time I choose to live for me.

So on the road to recovery or subtly put-independence, I started keeping tabs of my feelings, noting my inner insecurities and various addictions; I also had to keep notes of my acts of kindness and then start consciously valuing my self as a kind person. I realized emotional independence was a very personal thing and that it didn't necessarily mean keeping to one self (though I am very much a Hobbit, interpersonal skills has often depended on my mood swings) it also affected an individual’s independence as a person and includes good decision-making skills and learning all about the salient areas in one’s life where you should take charge.

Self-judgment is a form of control to get oneself to do things "the right way" so that people will validate you and approve of your actions but as much as any individual might succeed in getting those around to approve of their every action, as long as an individual keeps judging one self, that person will continue to feel badly about his /her self.

It might be an ego booster but in the long run it’s not worth it as it places you in a vulnerable position and gives power to another over you. A constant string of negative validation from the seeker tears down one’s self esteem and makes the individual who seek validation feel he/she is of no value.

So as I walked back home. Not even wanting to be reminded of those awful days of self suffering I couldn't help remembering what my Mom’s reply had been when I came home crying from school and told her no body liked me’, Why? She had asked, a puzzled look on her face ‘because they say, I am different! I replied stamping my right foot on the ground in anger, ‘you can’t be like every body else, was her reply, else the world wont be an interesting place to live in, ‘you re my daughter, console your self that in your difference you are like me. It was my turn to ask her ‘why? Because the daughter of a lioness is a lioness and cannot be a sheep!” she had replied impatiently, you need to believe more in your self, do you see me acting and dressing like most mommies? No, I replied timidly seeming to see my Mommy for the first time as she walked towards the direction of her bedroom, her six inch heels clicking away.

 Gosh! I thought, ‘Why hadn't I noticed that in a time when most mothers choose to dress in blouses and wrappers, Bubo’s and such, which was deemed socially acceptable my own Mother constantly broke the norm and veered to the opposite direction?

your gist mate,

Shy